#reverb10: one word
by Zoeyjane
Prompt: One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
Determination
Both in the cerebral and physical senses, 2010 was and continues to be about determination.
I was determined to get healthier, so I started the Couch to 5K program. I was determined to be mentally well, so I continue experimenting with medications as my doctor prescribes, reporting back loudly and frequently.
I determined that one dose of medication was making me too sick to continue running. I determined that said medication was ultimately not right for me and spoke up for myself, determined that my doctor would listen to me. He did and took me off of the medication.
I was determined to home school Zoë next year.
But over the summer I determined that a) she was getting pretty advanced and requiring an infinitely larger amount of stimulation to fight off boredom, b) I wouldn’t likely be able to fill all of the hours of the day with enough stimulation for her in a graceful way, c) she would probably do pretty damn well in a public school environment as long as she had additional activities after it and her attention span was not made an issue, and d) I want to go to school, myself.
So, I became determined to go to school next year, and to ship her off to school, and to find side-projects and inexpensive activities that we can enjoy learning about after school together. I’ll still get to learn, and so will she, and not only within the confines of a classroom.
I’m still determined to be healthier, and mentally well, but I’m struggling with the physical part. Honestly, I haven’t been eating much – a new medication (though it is having a positive effect on my psyche) leads me to forget to eat, and then the monkey on my bony shoulder reinforces this forgetfulness. This duel between head and broken head is tough and I’m not sure who’s going to win. I’m also not sleeping much, as my mood has stayed up, despite that it’s December - a usual cataclysmic drop-point of the year.
That’s how you know the speed is working.
Mentally, I have seen myself take on too much – too much work, socializing, of a person – and I’ve determined that I needed to start saying no when it was too much. At least most of the time. When it costs me more to work or be friendly, I’m stepping back now, instead of my usual habit of taking on everything heavy in the world and then collapsing quite fucking completely under its weight.
I’m no good to anyone when I do that. Especially myself.
This time next year, I would really like 2011 to be repped by the word accomplished.
I’ve taken the steps. I’ve started saving money for school and travel. I’ve figured out the goals and how to get there. I’ve even finished something for the first time in life, if you count the 30 Days of Truth writing prompt. I’ve got friends and people I love fortifying me and my dreams.
This time next year? I’d like to be me. But more. Not so furtive and nervous and second-guessing. I’d like to know what unshakeable self-created pride feels like. I’d like to feel like a writer. And a student. And a mother, friend and lover. I’d like to rarely ever feel like I’m acting in a play and could get booed off the stage at any moment.
I think that’s the main reason I never have accomplished much. It was too much risk; I always thought I would be judged for a poor performance. Why try, when you know you’ll fail eventually…
Next year, I want that single word, accomplishment, to be the murderer of self-doubt.
